Wednesday, July 13, 2011

This month is kicking my ass.

This updating my blog once a month thing is getting ridiculous.  There have been many events that have transpired that at one point or another, I thought "I should write about that!"... and then didn't.  One of those events was the Stanley Cup Riot the day after my birthday.  The topic has been blogged to death now and I think it's best that I limit my mention of it to just this and move on from the ugliness.  I want to stay positive and I've been trying really hard to stay positive because it's so easy to spiral into that dark place.  Lately though, it feels like the Universe has been trying to shove me in that direction with stupid little things, that in the grand scheme of things, are really just annoying (like our parking garage getting broken into last night and eight cars, including ours, getting targeted) and then there's the big heart-wrenching things...    

Recent days have been a little rough with Hurley needing surgery to correct his luxating patellas on both hind legs. The diagnosis was upsetting and I was angry at our old vet for giving us bad information when we noticed signs of his issues as a puppy.  Figuring out how to pay for his surgery was stressful and we'll be paying for it for a while, but I would've spared no expense to make our baby boy better.  It's been almost two weeks since his procedure and Hurley seems to be doing well.  The stitches on his legs look horrifying but they don't seem to bother him.  He's a trooper.  He's gotten more active since he finished his run of Percocet which pretty much kept him sedated and the challenge as of late has been trying to limit his activity so that he doesn't strain his legs.  I've been lucky enough to be able to bring him to work with me while he recovers which has been the plus in all of this.  I like having him as an office buddy even though he whines a lot and barks at my boss.

This afternoon the Universe threw the worst curve ball yet.  My brother called me at work to let me know my dad had a stroke and that he was admitted into Emergency.  My heart sank.  I haven't spoken to my dad in over a year and our relationship hasn't been the best.  When I had Nugget, I was determined for her to have a relationship with her grandfather despite the state of my relationship with my dad.  I tried to get past my issues with my dad because it was important to me that Nugget had access to her grandparents.  It was in the last year or so that I gave up making an effort and I greeted him on his birthday and Fathers Day on his Facebook wall instead of phoning him.  I am an asshole.  It took him having a stroke for me to visit him and see how he's doing.  I'm a mess of guilt, remorse, anger, sadness... I can't even describe it.  When we saw him he seemed okay despite everything.  His cholesterol is high and his sugar levels are high, he apparently has diabetes and didn't know it.  His blood pressure is concerningly high, so high they are waking him up and checking his blood pressure every hour.  It's almost 3AM.  They finally found him a bed and moved him out of Emergency.  My two younger brothers are at the hospital with him now and I'm getting sporadic updates on my phone.  I can't sleep and I can't stop crying.  I'm sorry, Dad.